The History of a Hum-bug

It’s been four years since I’ve been this irritated with the holidays. I wake up every day thinking that maybe one day or one of these days, I’ll just wake up and snap out of this holiday funk. I think of what brought about this feeling. I started to think back to the day in the condo. ……

I was 135lbs… according to the scale I got on at work. It was horrible. I thought to myself that there has to be a way to get away from all this. I looked happy, but deep down inside, things just hadn’t been the same since my friend/roommate left. It had been about a year. I was alone in my own place and living life to the fullest. I had a great job and I had great friends. My family was doing well. But, deep inside, I feel or felt like something was missing. I had this huge absense within my heart. I celebrated Christmas with everyone. Family, friends. Hell, I’d get off work before the holiday hit and I’d get all my presents and put them in the truck, I’d pack my clothes, there I was, going home late at night. Just so I could surprise my family with presents. And my presence. I thought back then that it was the best thing.

But I was scared. I was scared and depressed. I thought in my mind that I had nothing. No one. No one holiday. I felt that if I did this, it would show how responsible I had become and how well I was living.  Deep inside, it was a lie. I was spending money left and right. Trying to “keep up with the Jones” as my mom would put it.  My bills started to slip. I was eating at the wrong times. Hell, I was sleeping around all night long. Loosing sleep. Who was I? What was I doing?

But all these people in front of me here. I chuckle. They have no idea who I truly am. Deep down, they don’t have a clue. They see this chipper funny guy. No one can see under my crust of shame. My life of sin. I was a great pretender. To me and my family. To my friends. I didn’t reveal any of ME to anyone. As I realized my life, I started to slip. I slipped further and further in my own depression. I had no care for wanting to hold on to the one thing that I was once proud of. My home. I lost my way. I hated the fact that I couldn’t get rid of this stupid place. The silence was killing me. And the one thing that got me going more and more, was that one day, I’d come home to find a Sheriffs deed on my door saying that they were going to foreclose on my house. I was scared and sad. And yet, I didn’t care. Deep down inside, I wanted them to take it. So I could get away from this place. This feeling. This life. Suicide is something that’s a choice that many make. I’m not saying that I was thinking about it or that I wanted to consider it, but I understand how one would get to that point. When one is not happy, they feel better being gone. Completely disappeared from all reality. That would have been ideal. But, that would only show my own weakness. And my own loss in life itself.

I think after getting home that day from the office, I sat on my couch. Watching TV. Fell asleep. I’d wake up around one in the morning and realized how hungry I was. “GOD I’M SO FAT!”

I feel like I’m loosing this battle. Deep inside. The only thing that I was thinking in my mind, how to get away. I started to look at this local paper that is freely distributed here in the city. I’d find myself looking thru it while I ate away at my table. I found this classified ad where you could call this hotline and talk to any guy you wanted. Guys that wanted the same thing that you did. Sexually. Adventurous? I think not. Stupid? Yes. But, deep inside, I had this monster just itching at the thought of getting some hot guy into my bed so I could have my way with him and him with me.  This was the life that I lived for the longest time. No one knew. But, it was my past time to get away from the pain that I was truly going thru. Lonliness. The idea that I had no one to go home to. I talked to myself all the time. God. So I think. I dont’ know. I know that growing up as a young child, my mother taught me about being religious and spiritual. I always thought that I was that person. At times, I thought “I don’t need anyone”. No one to tell me that I needed anyone but God. But, sometimes, there are just some things that God can’t accomodate. I’m human. This God is a name to me. I’ve never met God. Nor do I know who “IT” is. Do I believe? I think so. Maybe. I’ve seen miracles. I’ve seen things in my sleep. Dreams? I don’t know. especially when I know what’s going to happen in my life. That’s the scariest thing. What’s even more scarier….. where was I going to be tomorrow?

I was in my 20′s. Late 20′s. Going into my early 30′s. Things were changing. I was changing. I swore I’d never change. Yet, here I am. Oh life, I’m so irritated with myself at this point. I wake up every morning with silence. The sound outside is of kids going to school. Buses and cars passing by. I look over and I have no one. I slept on the couch though. Again. For the 3 month in a row. I do this every single night now. It’s a safety blanket for me. To feel something on my back instead of empty space. I’m tired this morning though. I have to be at work in an hour. I live right down the road. Another reason to be depressed. At this point, I’m putting my effort in to smile once I hit the office door.

Thinking about the Turkey day and wondering, why the hell we should be thankful once a year!

So, I have no problem in celebrating holidays. Actually, I love holidays. I know that I bitch and bitch about the holidays, but, really, I have to look back and think about it.  Commercialism actually ruins it for me. When I stop to actually think about it… yeah, it’s the ad’s on TV. Really, lets get one holiday at a time. I mean, Christmas items are already being placed in stores when Holloween stuff is being sold. It’s like… what’s next? Good grief. I guess my biggest upset on the holidays is how selfish and annoying department stores become. Filled with people that are looking for gifts and what not. As if we don’t have enough in society. I mean, what more is it that we actually need? And to top if off, for Christmas. I feel that we’ve lost the picture of what the holidays are actually meant for. Family. Peace. Health. Tidings to Men/Women! WHERE DID IT ALL GO?

We rush on a daily basis just to get to the store just to get the one item we need to wrap to give as a gift. I no longer look forward to receiving presents at all. As a matter of fact, I’ve now advised my family that I want nothing for the holidays. Nothing at all. As long as they are alive and breathing and doing ok, that’s all that I need in my life. Maybe it’s not just enough to know that the one person you care about is doing well in life and alive. Maybe you do need to get them something nice. But, why wait for ONE day to realize that you need to get them a present? Why can’t we continue on this idea during the off season of holidays? Yeah, maybe it’s fun to get the kids a little something. but, when I look back at all the crap we got as kids, it didn’t last. Now that I’m older, I could care less. I’m not trying to rob the idea away from everyone. I guess I just want to send the message that you know, there’s more out there than just a department store that holding on to the one thing you need. I mean, really, stop to think…. do you really even need it? Think of all the things that you just got in the past that are now just sitting there. Not even being used or are hardly used. I say, turn it around, get all the things you don’t use and give them as presents. Or wrap them again and open them and think…. what am I going to do with this item? Maybe this year, I’ll actually use that!

Hello world!

Hey, This is Mello.

First off, Thanks Brett for introducing me to this website. I’m a huge fan of writing stories and what not. It’s going to be fun to write stories. I love story telling or just telling in general.

I hope that I can write some good stuff. I’ll do my best!